I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
