maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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