yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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