We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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