I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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