you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
