omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
