he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
