bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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