I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
not ubering you a puppy
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
