im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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