i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
