moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
