I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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