I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Banned from zoo.
Again?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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