Who wears a wallet chain?!
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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