sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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