I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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