i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
