Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
