i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
