I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
