Screwed.edu
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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