I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
