Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
