Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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