mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
