i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
