Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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