I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
