I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
