my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
