im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
