when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
