he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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