sarcasm needs its own font
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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