forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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