Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
