Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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