I accidentally burped into my bong.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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