I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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