We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
