please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
The uberlube is also flammable
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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