Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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