cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
