I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
