last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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