So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I am midnight drunk by noon
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Randomize
