you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
