Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
