Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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